Civility Under Pressure: 7 Peacekeeping Tactics from a Hostage Negotiator

In the high-pressure world of hostage negotiations, every word and gesture can mean the difference between crisis or calm. HR professionals may not face life-or-death scenarios, but they do operate in environments where tension, miscommunication, and cultural breakdowns can cause real damage.

At SHRM25 in San Diego, speaker Jeffrey Owens shared practical lessons on building trust and managing tense conversations that he learned during his 30-year career as a police detective and hostage negotiator in Honolulu. His message to HR leaders: The same principles that defuse high-stakes standoffs can help strengthen workplace civility and organizational culture. HR leaders hold the key to setting the tone of that culture.

“Your organizational culture can either be your strongest asset or your biggest liability. And no one has a better view of that culture than you,” Owens told attendees. “You hear what is not said in the meeting. You know what is meant between the lines of the email. And because of that, you often are the quiet force behind the scenes that is guiding and moving things in the right direction. You have an amazing ability to impact your culture.”

2. Influence Others — Don’t Try to Control Them

Leaders often fall into the trap of trying to control others’ behavior. But doing so can often lead to resistance. Instead, the more effective approach is to focus on what you can control: your own mindset and actions. 

“There are only two things in this universe that you can control: your own thoughts and your own actions. Everything else is influence,” Owens said. “We cannot control anyone else. And that’s important because when we try to control, we end up in conflict.”  

By leading with empathy, staying self-aware, and intentionally modeling respect and composure, you create the conditions to positively influence others. Influence is not about force; it’s about fostering the kind of environment where civility can take root.

3. Validate Others’ Perspectives 

Leaders can strengthen civility by acknowledging that others may see the world differently, and that’s okay. Validation isn’t agreement. It is recognizing that someone’s perspective feels real to them. When we assume others share our views, misunderstandings and frustration follow.

“Just being different is not the same as being wrong,” Owens said. “It’s important to be able to say, ‘I think this person is completely wrong, but I understand it’s their perspective and it’s real to them.’ ”  

By recognizing that people act on what they believe to be true, leaders can adjust how they communicate. This opens the door to more respectful conversations and helps build a more cooperative workplace.

Catherine Proulx, SHRM-SCP, an HR consultant at People Solutions Center in St. Louis, attended the session and echoed Owens’ belief, saying perspective and empathy are the keys to building civility at work.

“With all the crazy going on in the world, you just have to remember that you have no idea what the other person is experiencing,” Proulx said. “Sometimes it’s really hard to assume good intent, but giving it a try feels worthwhile.”

4. Listen More and Talk Less

Owens said that hostage negotiators aim to use their ears far more than their mouths when dealing with crisis situations. The reason?

“The magic power of listening allows people to give you information,” he explained. “Information is knowledge. Knowledge gives you empathy. Empathy gives you understanding. And with understanding, you can now adapt to create rapport, which will help this person to be more open to receive the information you want to share with them because you’re not trying to change them.”  

5. Include Others Respectfully

Owens said HR often talks about inclusion as a concept, a principle, or even a compliance necessity, but at its core, inclusion is a behavior. 

“Inclusion is about inviting others in so we can gain their perspective,” he said. “When you can get other viewpoints and include others respectfully — not as a compliance issue — that’s important because we want all voices to be heard.”  

When leaders invite input from those closest to the issues — even people outside the usual circle — they gain insights they might otherwise miss, which often leads to better results.

6. Set the Cultural Standard from the Top

“Culture should not be what leaders tolerate. Culture should be what leaders demonstrate,” Owens said. In many organizations, however, positive culture mottos hang on the walls but aren’t walking in the leadership halls. 

“Say I walked into your company and asked employees, ‘Who in this organization best models your company mission and value statement?’ Would they point to your leadership team?” Owens asked. “If they don’t, you need to help encourage and influence your leadership to start to model those values if you truly want an organization culture of civility.” 

7. Give Trust First to Earn Trust Later

Trust is the foundation of any civil workplace, and it starts with leadership. When leaders choose to extend trust first, rather than waiting for it to be earned, they send a powerful message that empowers others and sets the tone for mutual respect.

“In highly effective organizations, trust is not given after it’s earned through performance. In highly effective organizations, trust is given to empower performance,” Owens said. “When we give people trust, they generally want to live up to that trust. And that giving of trust to them is a message that they can trust us.”