How to Break the Silence Around Grief in the Workplace

What should you say to a co-worker who is grieving? Too often, no one says anything at all, according to trainer and facilitator Holly O’Hern.

“The reality is we end up isolating people when we don’t know how to deal with grief,” she said during her June 24 session “Working While Heartbroken: Supporting Co-workers in Grief” at the SHRM Annual Conference & Expo 2024 (SHRM24) in Chicago. “Sometimes the people that you wish would show up for you don’t. And sometimes we want to show up for someone else, and we don’t know how.”

While addressing grief is never easy, providing appropriate support to grieving workers can positively impact both individuals and organizations, said O’Hern, who owns the Chicago-based consultancy Regime Change. Grieving employees may experience a loss of energy, have difficulty concentrating, or feel less motivated. But when these employees feel supported in difficult times, that support can increase their engagement, resilience, and loyalty to their team or organization.

Grief isn’t just a response to death, O’Hern said. It can be triggered by various losses, including:

• People.
• Pets.
• Jobs.
• Relationships.
• Housing.
• Money.
• Community.

It can also be a response to violence, current events, or even letting go of a dream.

O’Hern acknowledged that HR professionals may have valid concerns about engaging with someone about their grief, including worrying that their involvement might make things worse. While there are inappropriate ways to address grief, O’Hern said it’s unlikely that simply mentioning the subject will aggravate the situation. “That person probably didn’t forget about their grief,” she noted. “We didn’t all of a sudden make them remember this hard thing. It didn’t go away.”

However, since everyone’s grief is different, no one response will be universally appropriate. O’Hern suggested making consent the foundation of any engagement with a grieving co-worker. People in grief may not always know exactly what they need, but they’re usually aware of what they don’t need. Ask the person what support looks like for them at that moment, she said, and then only provide solutions if they’re requested. By offering individualized support, you can empower employees to navigate their grief in a way that feels right to them.

In addition to personal outreach, there are systemic approaches organizations can take to help employees handle grief.

O’Hern suggested:

• Evaluating your organization’s grief-related benefits. O’Hern pointed out that bereavement leave policies are often very limited in their application, which can leave employees feeling unsupported when mourning someone who wasn’t a family member.  
• Empowering managers to care for team members. People managers should have some latitude in deciding which situations require intervention and how best to address an employee’s grief.
• Educating managers and leaders. This could involve formal training or an awareness campaign to remind managers and leaders of the best ways to engage with a grieving employee.
• Raising awareness of mental health resources. An organization’s investment in mental health benefits or employee assistance programs only benefits grieving employees if they’re aware of the resources and can access them.
• Creating cultures of sharing. Workplaces that embrace candor are better at discussing difficult topics such as grief because employees are used to being able to share their feelings.
• Fostering communities for grieving employees. O’Hern said she created a grief-related network in previous roles, which allowed employees experiencing grief to connect with others in similar circumstances.

Organizations should take a proactive approach to grief because its onset is often sudden or unreported, O’Hern explained. “We may not want to acknowledge grief at work, but grief is in the workplace, whether or not we’re talking about it,” she said.