Are You Assertive? Measuring Your Assertiveness and Tips to Improve

“Aggressive, Submissive, Passive, or Assertive: Which of these four communication styles would you prefer to adopt?”

While most people express a desire to be assertive once they understand the definitions of all four styles, the reality often differs.

Are they truly assertive? In my extensive experience with soft skills training, I’ve observed that out of a typical group of 30-40 participants, only about 3-4 individuals genuinely exhibit assertive behavior. That is roughly 10%. Considering people tend to give socially acceptable answers, the actual percentage of assertive individuals could be much lower.

Below is a test to measure your assertiveness:

Are you assertive?

·       Do you make direct eye contact while speaking with others?

·       Do you articulate your thoughts clearly and address situations straightforwardly?

·       Do you speak confidently, or do you tend to stutter or hesitate?

·       Do you maintain good posture or tend to slouch?

·       Are you assertive in asking for clarification when needed?

·       Do you feel at ease in social settings?

·       Can you decline tasks or requests when necessary?

·       Are you capable of expressing your emotions appropriately?

·       Do you voice your opinions when you disagree?

·       Do you defend yourself when wrongly accused?

If you said 'no' to many questions, you might find it hard to be assertive. You could benefit from assertiveness training or try reading through all four parts of this blog series and think about what you've learned.

Here is another test that provides you with a score, and what the score could mean:

A Quiz: How Assertive Are You? 

Why Are We Not Assertive at Work?

If we are truthful with our answers to the test questions, many of us will find ourselves lacking high assertiveness. Then the question arises: since we all want to be assertive, but we aren’t, then why aren’t we? This question, supported by the tests, should make anyone curious. Each of the test questions can be taken one by one and pondered deeply. Why am I not assertive in this situation?

To answer the above questions, we need to pose another significant question first.

What Qualities are Required to be Assertive at Work?

Below is a list of 15 qualities:

1.      Clear Communication

2.      Confidence in Expressing Ideas

3.      Active Listening

4.      Respectful Disagreement

5.      Boundary Setting

6.      Willingness to Take Initiative

7.      Constructive Feedback

8.      Problem Solving

9.      Negotiation Skills

10.  Empathy

11.  Self-Awareness

12.  Conflict Resolution

13.  Time Management

14.  Goal Setting

15.  Decisiveness

So, why aren’t we all assertive? Because becoming assertive requires integrating all these qualities—and many more—into our communication and behavior. It’s not an easy task.

So, let us see how we can adopt these qualities.

How to Become More Assertive?

Tips:

1.      Work on your confidence. The single best thing you can do to increase your assertiveness is to become confident in your skin. There are many ways to build your confidence. One way is to focus on your skills and strengths, your positive attributes, and your achievements in life and at work. You could have an associated ‘mantra’ (sacred utterance), a brief quote, that you often repeat to yourself, which implies, “Be confident!” Timely self-suggestions work. Here are some suggestions:

·       Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

·       Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.

·       Do or not; there is no try.

·       If you think you can, you can; if you think you can’t, you can’t.

·       So what if I fail? Failure is never final.

You can have fun creating your mantra.

2.      Learn to communicate your needs. Respect your needs and convey them respectfully. You could say to your colleague, “I need this. Could you please do this for me?” If you need to leave a meeting urgently, you could say, “I need to leave, but please carry on,” while looking the HR or the convenor of the meeting straight in the eye. Remember, if you really have a good reason to go, your eyes and your body language will convey this truthfully. It is best if you have informed your HR in advance, whenever you can. Remember, you are the most important person to yourself, and hence your needs are important too. Do not be afraid to articulate them.

3.      Discover your boundaries. All human beings have a physical boundary around us called personal space. When anyone invades our personal space, we become uncomfortable. This space is about an arm’s length but could be smaller or larger for different people. Whatever size it is, it must be respected by others. Similarly, we have invisible boundaries. Though invisible boundaries are harder to gauge, once we understand the concept of physical boundaries, we will be able to appreciate invisible boundaries. We must convey our boundaries to others tactfully, as other people will also have difficulty gauging our boundaries. Discovering our boundaries is the first step to respecting everyone’s boundaries.

Scenario:

I prefer not to discuss my health issues with others. While some people are comfortable sharing their health conditions, I am not. First, I need to recognize and accept this about myself. It’s perfectly fine to be this way, just as it’s fine for others to be different. We all have unique traits that make us who we are.

Next, I should extend the same respect to others by not prying into their health matters beyond a general, “I hope you get better soon.” For instance, if a colleague mentions, “I was hospitalized for two days,” I don’t need to ask, “Why were you hospitalized?” no matter how curious I am. If they wanted to share more, they would. Instead, I can courteously say, “I hope you’re feeling better. If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.”

If I tell a colleague, “I was hospitalized for two days,” and they ask, “Why were you hospitalized?” it would make me uncomfortable. How should I communicate that they are crossing a boundary? I could confidently say something like, “Just some routine tests,” then look away and change the subject, or ask them something trivial to indicate I don’t want to discuss it further. Hopefully, they will pick up on my body language.

Sometimes, people might not get the hint and could ask, “What tests?” or look at me suspiciously, as if they know I’m not being entirely truthful. In such cases, I could simply shrug and say, “Nothing important,” and change the subject again, hoping they understand. I will remind myself of my mantra: “I respect you, but I respect myself too, and I don’t wish to share more.”

4.      Acknowledge that you can only control your behavior. Learning this concept and acknowledging it can do wonders for our lives and our worries. Since we cannot control others's behavior, why fret over it? If we are affected by others’s behavior, which we naturally are, at work or home, we must understand that we can only control our behavior, though we can influence others's behavior.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." Reinhold Niebuhr

Influencing others to change their behavior that affects us is a chapter by itself. It is about being proactive versus reactive. Successful people are proactive. They recognize the things they can control, accept the things they cannot control, and put their time and energy into affecting the things they can influence in others. Leadership is a lot about the art of influencing others.

5.      Use assertive language. Here are some examples of assertive language: Notice that all the sentences below start with I need, I appreciate, I feel, I understand, I would prefer, etc. Assertiveness means we need to state or declare ourselves, which is best done by using these ‘I statements’ politely and respectfully. No one will dream of my needs and feelings if I do not assert myself.

• "I appreciate your input, but I have a different perspective."
• "I need more time to complete this task to ensure quality."
• "I feel uncomfortable with the way you're speaking to me."
• "I understand your concerns, and I believe we can find a solution together."
• "I disagree with that decision and would like to discuss alternatives."
• "I'd prefer if we could address this matter directly rather than through email."
• "I value your opinion, but ultimately, I need to make the final decision."
• "I'd like to set clear boundaries for our working relationship."

READ

Respect for All: Nurturing Assertive Communication to Attain Success