Tackle Self-Defeating Behaviors

Do you know the difference between a calamity and a tragedy? A calamity—like an earthquake, tsunami, hurricane or flood—is an unavoidable disaster. A tragedy—like getting killed because you weren't wearing your seat belt, or the deaths of Romeo and Juliet—appears preventable. That's what makes it tragic.

One of the greatest tragedies in your professional life is coming to the end of your career, discovering that it has been mediocre and then realizing that it was nobody else's fault. You did it to yourself. As Warren Buffet said to a University of Washington audience regarding how he and Bill Gates became so successful: "Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond. Some of you will, and some of you won't. For those who won't, it will be because you get in your own way, not because the world doesn't allow you to."

Forget about excuses such as you don't have enough education, or you're never in the right place at the right time or you're stuck in a dead-end job. How much potential success have you already missed out on by engaging in self-defeating behaviors such as taking things too personally, not learning from your mistakes or not preparing? In fact, how much of a positive difference would it make in your career if you could overcome the most common self-defeating behaviors?

Self-defeating behavior (SDB) is any repetitive behavior that derails you from moving forward in life. The most obvious manifestation of SDB in the workplace is that goals are repeatedly set and not met. Productivity, results and growth come to a standstill or decline. Even more destructive to the company is when solidly performing people become so frustrated by those who engage in SDBs that they leave the organization.

Here's a list of common SDBs in the workplace:

• Procrastinating. This not only impairs your performance, it also causes resentment from others who depend on you to do your work in a timely manner. Few things impair your reputation and your chances for promotion or better pay more than procrastination.
• Not delegating. To get ahead, you often take on increasing responsibility and try to do it all yourself—probably because you believe it's easier than training someone and preferable to letting someone else do something beneath your standard. But instead of achieving more, you end up spreading yourself too thin, and the quality of your work suffers.
• Not listening. When you talk much more than you listen, you are setting yourself up to be resented, rooted against and defied. Then, your subordinates and supervisors avoid seeking your input to hash out and solve problems.
• Getting defensive. When you take things personally that aren't meant that way, you appear easier to upset than you are to please. People start walking on eggshells around you. Then they begin to avoid you, and success avoids you too.
• People pleasing. If you sacrifice being respected in order to be liked, you won't be either respected or liked. When you're respected, you become a person that others want to respect them. When you're merely liked, too often you are taken advantage of by people who are trying to please the people they respect.
• Fear of learning new things. Many people harbor a secret fear that they haven't learned anything since high school or college and can't learn new things. They don't want to have this flaw exposed. So, they continue to avoid learning new skills and exasperate people around them.

People are most motivated to stop and overcome an SDB when they are facing the negative consequences of engaging in one—such as a missed promotion, a lost client or a lost job perhaps due to procrastination or some other SDB. If you're ready to tackle your self-defeating behavior, try this plan:

• Think of the people you interact with and select individuals whose performance most directly affects you and also whose performance is most directly affected by you, whom we will refer to as "stakeholders." Approach these stakeholders and tell them you have committed yourself to working on your professional development and would like their assistance. By owning up to your own SDBs and making a commitment to overcome them, you trigger "reciprocal humility" and willingness in others to do the same.
• Select no more than two SDBs that you engage in and believe most significantly hinder your performance. To help select them, seek the input of trusted friends and family members who want you to succeed.
• Ask your stakeholders if they agree with your choice of an SDB to work on or whether they would select a different behavior that you should focus on that will improve the results of your working together.
• Figure out with your stakeholders what your "new and improved" behavior would look like so that you and they can tell if and when you're making progress.
• Set up a regular time every two weeks to informally check in with your stakeholders to see how you are progressing and make refinements and adjustments as needed.

The most important thing for you to do when you implement this plan is to be patient; old habits and SDBs die hard. Remember that it takes 21 days for a change in behavior to become a habit and a minimum of six months to a year for a habit to become internalized and integrated into your personality. Just as there are few things that make you feel worse than wasting your potential by engaging in self-defeating behaviors, few things make you feel better than stopping and overcoming them.

Mark Goulston, M.D., is a psychiatrist and consultant to major organizations. He is also the author of Get out of Your Own Way at Work and Help Others Do the Same (Putnam, 2005), which provides a comprehensive list of 80 SDBs and how to overcome them.