Skip to main content
  • Foundation
  • Executive network
  • CEO Circle
  • SHRM Business
  • Linkage Logo
  • Store
  • Sign In
  • Account
    • My Account
    • Logout
    • Global
    • India
    • MENA
SHRM
About
Book a Speaker
Join Today
Renew
Rejoin Now
Renew
  • Membership
  • Certification
    Certification

    Smiling asian student studying in library with laptop books doing online research for coursework, making notes for essay homework assignment, online education e-learning concept
    Get Certified!

    Be recognized as an HR leader with your SHRM-CP or SHRM-SCP credential.

    • How to Get Certified

      Demonstrate your ability to apply HR principles to real-life situations. No other HR certification compares.

      • How to Get Certified
      • Eligibility Criteria
      • Exam Details and Fees
      • SHRM-CP
      • SHRM-SCP
      • Which Certification is Best for Me
      • Certification FAQs
    • Prepare for the Exam

      Give yourself the best chance to pass your SHRM certification exam.

      • Exam Preparation
      • SHRM BASK
      • SHRM Learning System
      • Instructor-Led Learning
      • Self-Study
      • Study Aids & Add-ons
    • Recertification

      Recertify your SHRM Credentials before your end date!

      • Specialty Credentials
      • Qualifications
  • Topics & Tools
    Topics & Tools

    Stay up to date with workplace news and leverage our vast library of resources to streamline day-to-day HR tasks.

    The white house in washington, dc.
    Executive Order Impact Zone

    Do not abandon, but evaluate and evolve. It is about legal, equal opportunity for all.

    • News & Trends

      Follow breaking news and emerging workplace trends.

      Legal & Compliance

      Stay informed on workplace legal updates and their impacts.

      From the Workplace

      Explore diverse perspectives from your peers on today's workplaces.

      Flagships

      Get curated collections of podcasts, videos, articles, and more produced by SHRM.

    • HR Topics
      • AI in the Workplace
      • Civility at Work
      • Compensation & Benefits
      • Inclusion & Diversity
      • Talent Acquisition
      • Workplace Technology
      • Workplace Violence Prevention
      SEE ALL
      SHRM Research
    • Tools & Samples

      Access member resources and tools to streamline HR tasks.

      • Forms & Checklists
      • How-To Guides
      • Interactive Tools
      • Job Descriptions
      • Policies
      • Toolkits
      SEE ALL
      Ask an Advisor
  • Events & Education
    Events & Education

    SHRM25 in San Diego, June 29 - July 2, 2025
    Join us for SHRM25 in San Diego

    Register for the World’s Largest HR Conference being held on June 29 - July 2, 2025

    • Events
      • SHRM25
      • The AI+HI Project 2025
      • INCLUSION 2025
      • Talent 2026
      • Linkage Institute 2025
      SEE ALL
      Webinars
    • Educational Programs

      Designed and delivered by HR experts to empower you with the knowledge and tools you need to drive lasting change in the workplace.

      Specialty Credentials

      Demonstrate targeted competence and enhance credibility among peers and employers.

      Qualifications

      Gain a deeper understanding and develop critical skills.

    • Team Training & Development

      Customized training programs unique to your organization’s needs.

  • Business Solutions
  • Advocacy
    Advocacy

    Make your voice heard on public policy issues impacting the workplace.

    Advocacy
    SHRM's President & CEO testifies to Congress on "The State of American Education"
    • Policy Areas
      • Workforce Development
      • Workplace Inclusion
      • Workplace Flexibility & Leave
      • Workplace Governance
      • Workplace Health Care
      • Workplace Immigration
      State Affairs

      SHRM advances policy solutions in state legislatures nationwide.

      Global Policy

      SHRM is the go-to for global HR leaders and businesses on workplace matters.

    • Advocacy Team (A-Team)

      SHRM’s A-Team is a key member benefit, giving you the tools, insights, and opportunities to shape workplace policy and drive real impact.

      Take Action

      Urge lawmakers to support policies that create lasting, positive change.

      Advocacy & Legislative Resources

      Access SHRM’s curated policy materials and content.

    • SHRM-Led Coalitions
      • Generation Cares
      • The Section 127 Coalition
      • Learn More & Partner with SHRM Government Affairs
  • Community
    Community

    Woman raising hand in group
    Find a SHRM Chapter

    Easily find a local professional or student chapter in your area.

    • Chapters

      Find local connections from over 607 chapters and state councils and create your personalized HR network.

      SHRM Connect

      Post polls, get crowdsourced answers to your questions and network with other HR professionals online.

      SHRM Northern California

      Join SHRM members in the greater San Francisco Bay area for local events and networking.

    • Membership Councils

      Learn about SHRM's five regional councils and the Membership Advisory Council (MAC).

      • Membership Advisory Council
      • Regional Councils
    • Volunteers

      Learn about volunteer opportunities with SHRM.

      • Volunteer Leader Resource Center
Close
  • Membership
  • Certification
    back
    Certification
    Smiling asian student studying in library with laptop books doing online research for coursework, making notes for essay homework assignment, online education e-learning concept
    Get Certified!

    Be recognized as an HR leader with your SHRM-CP or SHRM-SCP credential.

    • How to Get Certified

      Demonstrate your ability to apply HR principles to real-life situations. No other HR certification compares.

      • How to Get Certified
      • Eligibility Criteria
      • Exam Details and Fees
      • SHRM-CP
      • SHRM-SCP
      • Which Certification is Best for Me
      • Certification FAQs
    • Prepare for the Exam

      Give yourself the best chance to pass your SHRM certification exam.

      • Exam Preparation
      • SHRM BASK
      • SHRM Learning System
      • Instructor-Led Learning
      • Self-Study
      • Study Aids & Add-ons
    • Recertification

      Recertify your SHRM Credentials before your end date!

      • Specialty Credentials
      • Qualifications
  • Topics & Tools
    back
    Topics & Tools

    Stay up to date with workplace news and leverage our vast library of resources to streamline day-to-day HR tasks.

    The white house in washington, dc.
    Executive Order Impact Zone

    Do not abandon, but evaluate and evolve. It is about legal, equal opportunity for all.

    • News & Trends

      Follow breaking news and emerging workplace trends.

      Legal & Compliance

      Stay informed on workplace legal updates and their impacts.

      From the Workplace

      Explore diverse perspectives from your peers on today's workplaces.

      Flagships

      Get curated collections of podcasts, videos, articles, and more produced by SHRM.

    • HR Topics
      • AI in the Workplace
      • Civility at Work
      • Compensation & Benefits
      • Inclusion & Diversity
      • Talent Acquisition
      • Workplace Technology
      • Workplace Violence Prevention
      SEE ALL
      SHRM Research
    • Tools & Samples

      Access member resources and tools to streamline HR tasks.

      • Forms & Checklists
      • How-To Guides
      • Interactive Tools
      • Job Descriptions
      • Policies
      • Toolkits
      SEE ALL
      Ask an Advisor
  • Events & Education
    back
    Events & Education
    SHRM25 in San Diego, June 29 - July 2, 2025
    Join us for SHRM25 in San Diego

    Register for the World’s Largest HR Conference being held on June 29 - July 2, 2025

    • Events
      • SHRM25
      • The AI+HI Project 2025
      • INCLUSION 2025
      • Talent 2026
      • Linkage Institute 2025
      SEE ALL
      Webinars
    • Educational Programs

      Designed and delivered by HR experts to empower you with the knowledge and tools you need to drive lasting change in the workplace.

      Specialty Credentials

      Demonstrate targeted competence and enhance credibility among peers and employers.

      Qualifications

      Gain a deeper understanding and develop critical skills.

    • Team Training & Development

      Customized training programs unique to your organization’s needs.

  • Business Solutions
  • Advocacy
    back
    Advocacy

    Make your voice heard on public policy issues impacting the workplace.

    Advocacy
    SHRM's President & CEO testifies to Congress on "The State of American Education"
    • Policy Areas
      • Workforce Development
      • Workplace Inclusion
      • Workplace Flexibility & Leave
      • Workplace Governance
      • Workplace Health Care
      • Workplace Immigration
      State Affairs

      SHRM advances policy solutions in state legislatures nationwide.

      Global Policy

      SHRM is the go-to for global HR leaders and businesses on workplace matters.

    • Advocacy Team (A-Team)

      SHRM’s A-Team is a key member benefit, giving you the tools, insights, and opportunities to shape workplace policy and drive real impact.

      Take Action

      Urge lawmakers to support policies that create lasting, positive change.

      Advocacy & Legislative Resources

      Access SHRM’s curated policy materials and content.

    • SHRM-Led Coalitions
      • Generation Cares
      • The Section 127 Coalition
      • Learn More & Partner with SHRM Government Affairs
  • Community
    back
    Community
    Woman raising hand in group
    Find a SHRM Chapter

    Easily find a local professional or student chapter in your area.

    • Chapters

      Find local connections from over 607 chapters and state councils and create your personalized HR network.

      SHRM Connect

      Post polls, get crowdsourced answers to your questions and network with other HR professionals online.

      SHRM Northern California

      Join SHRM members in the greater San Francisco Bay area for local events and networking.

    • Membership Councils

      Learn about SHRM's five regional councils and the Membership Advisory Council (MAC).

      • Membership Advisory Council
      • Regional Councils
    • Volunteers

      Learn about volunteer opportunities with SHRM.

      • Volunteer Leader Resource Center
Join Today
Renew
Rejoin Now
Renew
  • Store
    • Global
    • India
    • MENA
  • About
  • Book a Speaker
  • Foundation
  • Executive network
  • CEO Circle
  • SHRM Business
  • Linkage Logo
SHRM
Sign In
  • Account
    • My Account
    • Logout
Close

  1. Topics & Tools
  2. Workplace News & Trends
  3. HR Quarterly
  4. ‘Soft on the People, Hard on the Problem’
Share
  • Linked In
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vivamus convallis sem tellus, vitae egestas felis vestibule ut.


Error message details.

Copy button
Reuse Permissions

Request permission to republish or redistribute SHRM content and materials.


Learn More
Feature

‘Soft on the People, Hard on the Problem’

Today’s social and political tensions threaten to pull us apart—at home and work. Peace negotiator William Ury talks about how respectful dialogue can help colleagues navigate disagreements.

June 24, 2024 | Theresa Agovino

William Ury’s career in conflict negotiation began in 1977 when he was a graduate student at Harvard University and a professor asked for his help on a Middle East peace proposal. Since then, he’s traveled to war zones in places such as Northern Ireland, Colombia and the former Yugoslavia to help cultivate peace. He has also used his skills in corporate settings to settle boardroom disputes. Ury co-founded Harvard’s Program on Negotiation and has authored several books on resolving disputes inside and outside the workplace, his latest being Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict (Harper Business, 2024). He says his motto, “Soft on the people, hard on the problem,” can be key to resolving many types of conflict.

Many people believe the U.S. has never been more divided. What do you think?

That’s not true. We had the Civil War. But certainly, in the last 40 years, we are at a high watermark.

Why is that?

In the old days, everyone listened to Walter Cronkite. We got our news from common sources. Now, with social media, there’s a reinforcement of our preconceptions and our already firmly held beliefs. I think social media tends to make us more reactive. There’s a kind of dopamine effect [when you reply to a post]. The same thing can happen at work if you receive an email, and you feel left out or hurt by its contents. It’s very tempting to hit the reply button, even though you know you are angry or hurt. It seems to me that these days, there’s greater tension and greater stress coming out of the pandemic, hybrid working, technologies like AI and the climate heating up. Everyone’s nerves are on edge.

What is the foundation of a good negotiation?

The foundation of a successful negotiation is the ability to stop and pause. A little bit of silence actually goes a long way. Take a break. Sleep on it. If you want to influence the other side, which is what we’re trying to do, you have to influence yourself. So the very first step is to harness our natural ability to stop and say, “What do I really want?”

What are some of the stumbling blocks?

There is a lot of avoidance, which doesn’t solve the problem, because it often gets worse and doesn’t go away. Or we accommodate, and we appease. Or we attack.

How can you get negotiations back on track?

The easiest concession you can make in any kind of conflict negotiation is to show respect to the other side. A lot of respect is letting people be seen and heard. This also gives you insights into what they really want, which will then allow you to better influence them so you can get what you really want. What are their underlying interests? What are their needs? What are their concerns? What’s bugging them? What are their fears? What are their aspirations? Those are intangible motivations that drive us.

You mention in your books that there is a “third side” in conflicts. Can you explain that?

When we get into conflict, what gets in the way is that we tend to divide; we tend to reduce everything to two sides. It’s sales against manufacturing, employee against the employer, union versus management. But, in fact, there’s always a third side represented by the people around you who are affected by the conflict. They can help the parties see what they really want. They can help build that golden bridge. They unlock the potential around the parties.

Why do you say we should embrace conflict instead of avoiding it?

Conflict is a natural part of life. We’re not going to end it. It actually plays a very useful function, which is that it allows us to bring about change. It allows you to make better decisions because better decisions often come from each party surfacing diverse perspectives. It’s not getting rid of conflict, but transforming it from the destructive form. We need to learn to navigate conflict by engaging respectfully in deep conversation, dialogue and negotiated problem-solving. It’s the foundation of human growth.

How do you build trust with someone who holds an opposing view or idea?

Talk about what’s getting in the way of the two of you having a better relationship. Take some time to stop the conversation and say, “The underlying issue here is trust.” Ask the question, “What is it that each side could do tomorrow morning to build trust?” Even small things can start to build trust. It’s like putting a deposit in a bank account. It builds. You’ve got to be really clear about what you’re committed to. One thing that erodes trust is when someone says something is going to be done by a certain deadline, and then it’s not.

How do you deal with disappointment when you are not happy with the resolution?

I find those situations happen when people aren’t genuinely listened to. People are going to be a lot happier, or a lot less unhappy, with the outcome if they feel the process was fair—one where they felt heard and respected. If they feel included in the decision-making, they feel better.

Everyone deserves respect, no matter who they are. Oftentimes, when you are trying to be hard on the problem, you end up being hard on the people. So the motto is, “Soft on the people, hard on the problem.”

How should companies handle conversations about the upcoming election?

First, I would have the meta conversation: Acknowledge that not everyone’s going to agree on everything and that we can agree to disagree in an agreeable way—a civil way. It’s the community’s responsibility. You want to get buy-in. Then, it’s a question of when tempers rise, this is what is going to happen. You can’t wish the problem away. Deal with it, lean into it. It’s going to be here, so let’s talk about how we want to handle it.  

Interview by Theresa Agovino, workplace editor for SHRM.

Note: This interview was edited for context, clarity and space.

 

Civility

Related Articles

Kelly Dobbs Bunting speaks onstage at SHRM24
(opens in a new tab)
News
Why AI+HI Is Essential to Compliance

HR must always include human intelligence and oversight of AI in decision-making in hiring and firing, a legal expert said at SHRM24. She added that HR can ensure compliance by meeting the strictest AI standards, which will be in Colorado’s upcoming AI law.

(opens in a new tab)
News
A 4-Day Workweek? AI-Fueled Efficiencies Could Make It Happen

The proliferation of artificial intelligence in the workplace, and the ensuing expected increase in productivity and efficiency, could help usher in the four-day workweek, some experts predict.

(opens in a new tab)
News
How One Company Uses Digital Tools to Boost Employee Well-Being

Learn how Marsh McLennan successfully boosts staff well-being with digital tools, improving productivity and work satisfaction for more than 20,000 employees.

HR Daily Newsletter

New, trends and analysis, as well as breaking news alerts, to help HR professionals do their jobs better each business day.

Success title

Success caption

Manage Subscriptions
  • About SHRM
  • Careers at SHRM
  • Press Room
  • Contact SHRM
  • Book a SHRM Executive Speaker
  • Advertise with Us
  • Partner with Us
  • Copyright & Permissions
  • Post a Job
  • Find an HR Job
Follow Us
  • LinkedIn
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • YouTube
  • SHRM Newsletters
  • Ask An Advisor

© 2025 SHRM. All Rights Reserved

SHRM provides content as a service to its readers and members. It does not offer legal advice, and cannot guarantee the accuracy or suitability of its content for a particular purpose. Disclaimer


  1. Privacy Policy

  2. Terms of Use

  3. Accessibility

Join SHRM for Exclusive Access to Member Content

SHRM Members enjoy unlimited access to articles and exclusive member resources.

Already a member?
Free Article
Limit Reached

Get unlimited access to articles and member-exclusive resources.

You've reached the limit of 1 free article this month. Join to access unlimited articles and member-only resources.

Already a member?
Free Article
Exclusive Executive-Level Content

This content is for the SHRM Executive Network and Executive Content Subscription members only.

You've reached the limit of 1 free article this month. Join the Executive Network and enjoy unlimited content.

Already a member?
Free Article
Exclusive Executive-Level Content

This content is for the SHRM Executive Network and Executive Content Subscription members only.

You've reached the limit of 1 free article this month. Join and enjoy unlimited access to SHRM Executive Network Content.

Already a member?
Unlock Your Career with SHRM Membership

Please enjoy this free resource! Join SHRM for unlimited access to exclusive articles and tools.

Already a member?

Your membership is almost expired! Renew today for unlimited access to member content.

Renew now

Your membership has expired. Renew today for unlimited access to member content.

Renew Now

Your Executive Network membership is nearing its expiration. Renew now to maintain access.

Renew Now

Your membership has expired. Renew your Executive Network benefits today.

Renew Now