Maintaining Civility When Personality Traits Collide

Your team finished a major project that earned rave reviews from the C-suite. But since you’re not the touchy-feely type, your mood deflated when a colleague congratulated you with a big, spontaneous hug. Or perhaps you’re in a small meeting room with a loud co-worker who is giving you a headache. Maybe a colleague is irritating you by incessantly asking for updates on your part of a joint assignment.

Imagine sharing your discomfort with your colleague, only to hear them reply, “That’s just who I am.” For the past several years, organizations have stressed that employees should bring their whole selves to work. Yet there are times when employees wish their co-workers left part of themselves at home.

Experts acknowledge that not everyone will agree on appropriate workplace behavior, especially in multicultural spaces where peoples’ backgrounds can impact how they act and what they consider appropriate. A person from a generally reserved culture may not understand why their colleagues constantly want to chat with them, while someone from a boisterous, affectionate family may not comprehend people who shun an embrace.

In such situations, experts say it’s important to remember that your co-workers are not deliberately trying to annoy you. Understand that everyone has different personalities, as well as distinct habits and perceived norms, often derived from their culture. The goal isn’t to get people to change, but to find a way to work together.

“Very few people come to work every day and ask themselves, ‘How can I be offensive to others?’ ” said Kate Zabriskie, owner of Business Training Works, a Port Tobacco, Md.-based company that conducts courses on soft skills. “Assume (they have) good intentions or no intentions.”

The Diplomatic Approach

Zabriskie recommended reaching out to the person who is irritating you and trying to reach a compromise on how you will interact. “I would take a fairly soft approach and be diplomatic,” she said.

Early in her career, Zabriskie said, she had to adjust her style when she learned she was annoying her colleagues by rewriting database code without telling anyone. “When you are super Type A, you think you’re doing things right and making things more efficient,” Zabriskie said. “But because I didn’t ask anybody or let them know that it (the database) was going to look different, that was problematic.”  

Zabriskie’s boss brought up the topic with her, as her colleague didn’t want to confront her directly. Zabriskie agreed to adjust her approach to updating the database by informing her colleague of the changes she was making and slowing her pace. “It was a style-based conflict from two very different ways of working,” she said.

Context Is Key

Employees must decide whether to bring in a supervisor or HR professional to help iron out conflicting styles. If you approach your colleague directly, consider giving the person context so they understand your reaction to their behavior. It is a cop-out to reply, “That is just how I am,” experts say, noting it doesn’t leave room for conversation and compromise.

For example, if you find it challenging to work with a raucous colleague, consider telling the individual that you are a quiet introvert who would benefit from meetings with less volume, said Kendra Prospero, founder and CEO of Turning the Corner, a Boulder, Colo.-based HR consulting firm. She suggested that the quiet person tell their colleague they need a break, then resume their work later.

“It is tricky,” Prospero said. “It has to be a give-and-take. You can’t expect people to apologize for who they are, but you do have to realize the effect your personality has on people.”

She said that team-building exercises can also help colleagues understand one another and decrease personality conflicts. Such activities can help co-workers learn more about one another’s backgrounds, as well as what motivates their colleagues.

“When you know why they are the way they are, it is hard not to have empathy,” Prospero said. “Empathy is probably the most important thing we can do as humans.”